He shouldn't have to......

What should one do when you are concerned that your children don't take money seriously or have an understanding of how to manage their money?


How about a case study in what not to do.

In the last week, I have had three people tell me that their kids should have to work or do without or not be pampered. Really? I have heard from each of these three people tell me in the past that they want their children to be respectful for what it takes to make money, they want their children to be savers, they want their children to work hard. All three families wrote checks to their children so they wouldn’t work during the summer.

One concept I have not figured out during my 12 years as a financial planner is how do you teach someone to respect money when they didn't work for it? I have never gotten a client to do that. So, I mostly work with executives and business owners who have earned their own way. That way, I have clients who are enthusiastic about saving, investing, making sound tax decisions.

Why do these people not see the gap between what they want for their children and the skills and values they teach their children? As a mother, I finally understand. It is the problem of being a parent. One or two generations ago, families were parent-centric. Families adapted to the lives of the parents. Now, the child-centric families adapt to what is perceived as best for the children. Some of these changes are probably for the best of the children and families. But, we are going to far on the letting kids be kids side.

Let's stop and think about what telling a teenager or college student that they shouldn't work during a school break means to them. Do you really want to teach your child that mom and dad's payroll will always be there? That having a nice, relaxing summer is more important than saving money for extras?

Unless you truly want your children to stay on family payroll forever, now is the time to teach them that they need to be making their own money. Yes, their own money. Because don't you look down on the parents that look at their grown child and say "they shouldn't have to work so hard?"

Broken Arm

A friend of mine just posted on Facebook that the couple that is coaching her son’s baseball team is resigning mid-season as their daughter broke her arm. Since their daughter has to sit out the rest of the season, there is no need for them to be there anymore.

Really? What about the commitment they made to the other children, to their parents, to the league, to the other coaches? I question the example this couple is setting for their daughter. What are we if we are not our word?

This girl with the broken arm, who broke it during summer, just the worst time to be in a cast, is learning the lesson of selfness and convenience. If a commitment is no longer convenient, just go back on your word. Rent too high, don’t pay it. Her boss needs her to step up for a business opportunity, just quit.

Maybe the parents thought it would be painful for the girl to watch her friends playing while she just has to watch. Boy, tell me they aren’t a million lessons in that one. First, life can be disappointing. Maybe she won’t get into her first choice of college, maybe she won’t get offered that job she really wants, maybe she will realize she can’t afford the fancy car her neighbor drives. And, then, there is the dignity in being a good sport.

Does anyone teach that anymore? I can remember my mom telling me that it’s ok to pretend to be happy for your friend if you lose and they win. She told me that after I congratulated them and smiled, I would feel better. I still hate losing but, it’s true.

What does all of this have to do with one’s finances? Beyond the examples I have already given, it takes commitment to live within one’s own resources. We as a society are doing an awful job of teaching children to live within their means. The first thing to do is prepare a graduate for the fact that life on the outside is not as nice as life in mom and dad’s house. Kids turn to credit cards when mom and dad kick them off family payroll. Sometimes they don’t even wait for that. Digging themselves into a credit card hole is a tough way to start one’s life.

New Toy

My four year old realized that she does not have a real sized Jessie Cowgirl doll. Jessie is from Toy Story, the second and third installments. She has a small Jessie figurine but, a classmate at preschool has the doll just like in the movie. Now, my daughter does not ask for new toys often. In fact this is the first time that she has done it.

Since she has turned four, she has become responisble for making her bed, putting her clothes in the laundry and putting her shoes away. So, a friend of mine said I should buy her the doll as a reward. Yes, you guessed it, I am now going to detail why that will not be happening.

We do have gift occasions at my home. Christmas, birthdays, sometimes the lesser holidays. But, most of the Christmas and birthday gifts are put away after they are opened. We then pull them out one by one over the next few months. Each toy gets appreciated like that. And, I don't get overwhelmed by all the new toys. We talk about who gave us a gift and how nice it was of them to get the gift. We talk about how their parents had to work to get the money to buy that present.

My daughter knows that some moms don't go to work in the morning. They work by staying home with their children all day. But, that is a special treat for their families so, they can't do some other things like go to the coffee shop or buy new dresses. I really want her to see that balance and to understand sacrifice.

I will not be surprising her with a Jessie doll out of the blue to look like the good guy. She will have to wait for Christmas. And, as for the reward for her "chores", she was given responsibilities because she is a member of our household and old enough to do those tasks. She will learn that our home is a place we all live and all need to take care of, just like mother earth. We don't get rewarded for doing what we are supposed to do. But, having a nice place where she can find her toys and her shoes is a reward in itself.

Delayed gratification is a huge concept for a four year old but, a much needed one.

Our Children

I spend a lot of time thinking about my children. I also spend a lot of time helping other people's children. Not because I am all that nice, well, sometimes I am indeed nice but, because I am a financial advisor who helps families plan with their wealth. It is wonderful to discuss with parents how they can save for their children’s college education, how if anything were to happen to the wage earner that the family is protected financially.


Still I spend a great deal of time counseling parents on what NOT to do for their children. We have become so child centric that we give and give and give to our children. But, to what end? My best friend had a roommate who didn’t know how to set up a bank account. No, this was not in college, this was last year. And, I am well beyond college aged.

My parents were polar opposite when it came to finances. My father is a saver. He also viewed any savings as his. He worked to earn the money. My mom stayed home and raised the kids. I saw my mom do little things for the house and me and my brothers only to lie to my dad about the money. After my parents’ divorce, I saw my mom walk away with very little because of the guilt she felt for not having made the money. She struggled financially. She is a bright woman but, she would over-extend herself to do something sweet for me. Thank heavens that did not happen a lot. Since my dad was raising my brothers, he did not contribute financially. Thank heavens.

Yes, I just said that. I am grateful that I had to do without. I am grateful that I had to decide between new shoes or a new sweater. I am grateful that in college I could feed myself for $10 a week – ok, so it was not the healthiest but, in a squeeze, I was fine. I was not too proud to take a crappy job.

But, today, I see parents give their kids money to the extent that the parents cannot afford it because heaven forbid should that child get a job. High school and college kids can work. They can pay for their own things. Should they get a break for grades and extra-curricular activities? That depends, what are the parents finances like? And, it depends on the kid. Does he or she have a good understanding of what things cost? Do they expect to maintain mom and dad’s standard of living through college and after?

People are complaining about the rude and entitled young men and women in the world. Well, we are raising them. Let’s take a look at what we are doing and what it teaches our kids.